Mortified

Somewhat unsure about this part, I think I may have spent too long on her mum yelling, probably fewer words would have sufficed, but I'll leave them there for now. RJxo

“How could you even think about doing this Rose? How could you even consider...after all your father and I have done for you. Haven’t we told you a hundred times how this is no way out! It’s cowardly Rose, and it’s selfish and deep down I’d like to think you knew that!! What did you think was going to happen?! How could you ever see this as a good way...what if your brother had found you! He’s only young...at any rate he’d probably be completely traumatised. Would you ruin his life!? Would you ruin ALL our lives? You’re such a selfish girl...I don’t know where you came from at all...” I stand silently, watching the ground as her tirade rolls over me; I am completely...mortified to be in this situation. Yes, mortified sounds exactly right, almost as if I’ve turned to granite where I stand, as if my family can walk past me in the coming days and hang their coats on my immobile form. I can hear the slight buzz of her words but my mind’s filtering them out, focusing instead on this compelling image of a granite gargoyle standing poised in the entryway... pondering how on earth my mother would explain that away, involuntarily the left side of my mouth jerks up in a tiny half smile. I hear the slight whistle of air and recognise my mistake almost instantly, her hand catches me across the face, jerking my head back slightly “What the hell do you think you’re smiling about?! Just, get out of my sight. I can’t look at you anymore.” That’s all I need, I run, cheek stinging for my bedroom.

I throw myself down onto the bed and turn my face to the side, “Hi Jaws” I whisper, “I can’t believe how quickly my day just turned”. Reaching up I sprinkle in a small amount of his goldfish flakes, waiting for him to dart to the surface, he seems a little slower than usual, but I’m probably just imagining it. I roll over onto my back and surprisingly feel my mind go heavy with sleep, conscious thought fading with a whisper. I awake only an hour later and almost straight away I begin feeling the emotions grow inside me, swelling up like one of those kids’ toys that inflate on contact with water. I don’t know how but it hadn’t hit me until now, and it already feels unreal, a dream or the memory of a dream on a murky surface. Maybe it didn’t happen at all; maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. I climb stiffly off my bed and kneel before my chest, swinging the heavy lid open; it seems cleaner- uh oh- I reach to the bottom, lifting a fleecy blanket I’ve had since I was tiny. Nothing. My fingers scrabble disbelievingly against the wooden base. It’s gone. It was real, my precious jar is in the hands of my mother...probably gone by now.