Help me, Hurt me

Thoughts raging. I didn’t know it was possible to have this much hate and anger harboured inside me. Pressing down on me, suffocating me, I need to breathe- I need to escape, even for a minute. And I know how. But...I’m stuck. Trapped in a cage of my own making, in school, around people, without anything to help me, every part of my being is aching for the world to send something, anything, to help me hurt me. Barely conscious within myself I faintly recognise that this plea to the heavens is somewhat ironic. "Rose" I feel a light tug on my arm, "Rose, class is over...it’s time for English". Oh, that's right, the real world is still out there, damn. Although maybe it’s a good thing I’m still in existence and this world is still whirling, because if this entrapment in my mind was death, it would be no escape at all. I can’t bear the thought of sitting through another class, my mind needs action, needs to see something other than the futile images of a whiteboard filled with notes I’ll never learn in time to score well in exams. Almost before I’ve consciously decided to leave I feel my feet pulling towards my locker, mindlessly swinging my book bag up onto my shoulder as I head for the reception where I can sign out. I hit the carpark at nearly a run, my haven and escape in sight; I reach my small blue car and heave the door open in relief. Cueing the CD player, I push the clutch and slide into gear just as ‘Ever fallen in love’ starts up, my mix picking up where it left off on the Fine Young Cannibals this morning.

On the road, maybe I don’t have to go home, in the car I have an abandon for direction which I can never achieve in my life, let’s just see where the road takes me; I gratefully hand over control to the wider universe. The road blurs underneath me, trees flash by in a blur of greenery, this is better, I have to focus- can’t let my demon regain control. There’s still a part of me that wonders how easy it would be to just swerve the car slightly, a quick jerk of my hands could alter fate irreparably...but I can’t do that, even if I wanted to, it’s too uncontrollable, too many variables and way too much to go wrong. I just let the road run together, my mind blurring scenery into a kaleidoscopic mass. I finally make it home, though how I don’t know, my seemingly directionless travel has brought me back here eventually, and it always does.

Later that night, I make lists. One for all the things I still have to do, one for all the reasons I can’t possibly consider clocking out early, and finally the one I daren't admit exists even to myself...one for all the reasons I’d love not to live anymore.