The best weekend in ages...

Awesome night! And day after (how often does the next day just about live up to the night before! Yay for not having a hangover). I am one happy bean! Party was amazing, so much fun, way too much dancing haha, sure there were the odd moments of 'uh oh one of my friends got dared to pull my dress up....really hope THAT doesn't happen!' But it was excellent. Had an awesome time today as well, stayed over to hang out with my friend, and had a day of complete randomness, rolling down a hill, impromptu mudfights...and serious conversations in between. Strange I know, but it worked for us. It's still wierd for me to be talking about this stuff...out loud...in person...but I like it. I feel like I can say just about anything...which is new because even when I told my best friend, I had to be so careful, censor everything, tiptoe around it etc. I feel like she understands sometimes, and at the very least always trys to...rather than looking at me like "oh my god I can't believe you just said that out loud" and making me want to go hide in a hole. So yes, was a fabulous day! So much happiness, I feel the....lightest I have in ages. :)

D&M

Ok, while it's a little worrying that one of my friends is feeling down. Ok it's a lot worrying. It's also amazing to be able to talk to someone. In the past couple of years the only person I've told is my best friend, who was...better about it than I ever had any right to expect. However it's just not something she's dealt with herself...so as much as she tried to be supportive/helpful etc..it was never something we could just talk about.
It's a really new experience being able to just chat openly about it to a friend, and knowing that she wants to talk about it as well, in fact she's bringing it up...rather than dragging it into conversation occasionally when I can't bear to not talk about it any longer, and even then kinda dancing around the issue.
I'm still really confused, torn, but I'm glad to have someone to talk to. Who knows, maybe I can even help her a little...something useful must have come out of the past years right?
RJxo

Oh oh oh

Oh no.
Ok. This is gonna need a tiny bit of background. A friend kind of hinted to me that maybe she was feeling a little depressed, maybe I wouldn't even have noticed if I wasn't well, me...we ended up talking about it for hours, it was intense, insane, amazing. She told me some things about herself I really didn't expect- and I know I confided in her about stuff she wouldn't have anticipated, like about self harming. I didn't really want to say that here I guess, but it's relevant.
I'm freaking out that I gave her ideas.
I'm so afraid.
Where do I go from here? What do I do?
RJ

Weak?

It seems I am "too dependent" and am "unable to stand up for myself"...can't say I appreciate comments like this. Now I don't care what anyone says, but my two best friends, guys I feel betrayed, ready to cry.
Ok most of the time I let other people have their way, what's the point in arguing? If I get in a fight with my best friend, I apologise even if I'm not sure it was my fault- because I simply can't stand to lose them from my life, even temporarily. Apparently that's having no backbone.
But I resent being told I'm dependent..because I spend so much of my life trying not to be. I'd rather be isolated and lonely than dependent. So if I live my life that way, how can I be seen as dependent? guys? Is it because I trust you? Is it because I love you? Is it because I can't imagine how I'd go on without you? Yes that must be it...I still don't see the big problem. Unless you're trying to ditch me.
I may not be the strongest person, hell I'm not strong at all, I'm broken, but why is it so horrible to give in occasionally to spare feelings...maybe I just deluded myself into thinking it was selfless, even 'big' of me..when really I've just always been weak.
I may not fight for every point, I may not take a stand on every  minor disagreement, but I am capable of holding firm, I'd never budge from my core values, from my moral guide...I'd never let anyone speak ill of my friends without opposition...I'd never let anyone pressure me into something I didn't want to do- like drink.
I don't understand, I thought that was ok. I guess it's not enough. But I thought you didn't care.

Sorry for whinging,
R-Jay

Truth

I'm so worried about her. So very worried. But it's more than that, because people always say she doesn't tell the truth in it's entirety...so what if she isn't this time?! Then I feel stupid for being so worried about her...but even having that thought makes me feel horribly guilty, like I'm betraying her.
I believe her. Don't I?

I think it's human nature to exaggerate, to try and portray things as they really felt to us at the time, it's why the fish was "this big" and it's why a newborn baby is "the most beautiful there ever was", it's why we could "eat a horse" or why we feel "like I could die". When you can't let others in side your head, you have to use the words to paint them a picture of what it feels like for you.

I guess that's my random thought for today, while thinking about truth I found myself realising how it's different for everyone, and how everyone exaggerates sometimes to enhance the story or to make you understand how something really was. I don't think you can hold that against a person, especially not someone you love.

How do you save someone else, when you can't even figure out how to save yourself?

R-Jay

Last day of silence was today!

Ok I have been super slack with updating...but to be honest there was very little to talk about. It's just been kinda uh continuous once I got used to it- to be honest the first few days were most interesting, since then it's just been boring to be honest.
So today was the last day! I know I know I technically should have had two more days, this is only day 8. The friend I was doing it with decided to cut it short, so I've technically ended my vow now, although I feel no inclination to talk to be honest so it may just continue on.

I had such a crappy day today, nothing to do with the silence. One of my friends is just going through a really hard time so they were talking to me, and I was trying to react and help silently (a nightmare)...there's a lot going on there, I don't even know really.
My parents are angry because of the silence thing (which is a good reason to continue- they're not expecting me to respond which is quite relieving).
My best friend doesn't seem to believe me that there isn't something going on between me and a guy who's one of my closest friends (but she doesn't talk to me about it and just asks him). Which is what really gets to me, that she doesn't trust me enough to ask me? Doesn't care enough to ask me? Isn't brave enough to? Oh I don't know, it just upsets me.
Everyone just seems to be having fights and chucking me in the middle, over it. All little issues I know, but I'm not quite brave enough to be completely honest over the internet just yet...
R-Jay

Early on Day 6

So... day 5 was pretty non-happening! I had a day off so I was just at home doing schoolwork (or procrastinating schoolwork anyway)...which means I didn't really see anyone so I just hung out the whole time silently and it was easy haha.
Back to school today though! So that should bring with it some new challenges. I am slightly angry already this morning as my mum came in to wake me up (who knows why?)..and in my mad scrambling around where am I/who are you/ what's going on etc etc haha usual wake-up routine, I accidentally said yea to something she said. Fair to say she looked at me, and I realised what was going on and just growled :P.
Anyways, it was my first word in 4 days so I was a little bit peeved, but ah well it's hardly anything...one syllable again...it was just annoying you know!
Off to school where I have Maths (where I haven't caught up the work I missed on Friday), spare (yay), double personal development (eww that's gonna be boring), Biology (yaya I love biol) and Geography (which is gross cause I totally didn't do the homework- must do it in spare today!)

Anyway I just got ready a little too quickly so I figured I'd waste some time updating here, off to the place of learning now.
R-Jay

Day three

Yay! I made the whole day without a word yesterday :D. Feels like the first time I have properly, ok I know on day two all I said was "yep" but it just didn't feel real you know. SO I was rather impressed with myself I must say- especially since I went to an 18th last night! Partied in silence! Luckily I just danced danced danced all night- good thing I'm fairly used to silence at this point otherwise it would've been really difficult not to sing along to the music! It was still a lot of fun :).
I even went shopping yesterday! - Had to buy a present for the 18th, as well as other bits and pieces. When I was at the petstore stocking up on supplies (haha we almost have a zoo here), I bought a couple of new catfish for my tank..it was easy, I just pointed and then smiled and signed thankyou. She said your welcome so I guess she got my drift. It was kind of cool anyway.

Not a lot happening today as I'm staying home now to recuperate from yesterdays late night, so I will probably only post again if I make a mistake!

Over and out,
R-Jay

Day Two :)

So it was my second day of silence yesterday, and it was so much easier! Thank god, because to be honest I felt horrible yesterday- I couldn't have stood ten days like that! Yesterday I said one syllable, "yep", I'm a little annoyed that I can't say I had no words at all. But I'm still pretty damn proud of that :D.
My friend whose thesis we are testing started yesterday, so I will probably do a full 10 days with her- 11 for me, but I guess we'll just see how it goes, it's possible neither of us will make the whole time for whatever reasons. We have limited ourselves with msn/chat etc which will probably drive me insane but oh well.
I have to go shopping to get a present for a friend's18th today though- oh dear!! And then I have to go to the party tonight- I can't believe I forgot it was on *fail*.
Oh well I guess I will just be crappy company :P, at least everyone already thinks I'm wierd.

So raise your glass if you're wrong in all the right ways!
R-Jay

Day One!

So, first day over...wow. That was difficult- and I didn't even manage to stay silent the whole day!
A number of little mishaps, usually when someone asked me a question while I was focusing on something else (like a worksheet, or my computer or whatever). A total of six accidental sentences today I believe! Haha that's pretty bad, although all up I guess they only took up how much I would say in  5 minutes of a day. Still, feels like a fail! Oh well :). I'll go again tomorrow!
I did not start out well this morning...left my notebook at home (doh!) so was using post-its if I needed to say something for a good portion of the day haha, and I didn't plan for getting a call on my mobile (I'd change the voicemail but obviously I can't do that now!)
My bus driver also asked which stop I wanted for the first time this whole year- couldn't believe it!

So, what have we learnt...
1. Remember your notebook!!
2. Record a voicemail explaining beforehand.
3. Figure out a way to remind yourself that you're not meant to be talking- after my slip-ups today I had a bandana (coincidentally bandana day coming up soon!) tied onto my wrist which helped because even if I'd been working on my own for a while I kept seeing it and remembering. No idea why this works but the memory trigger was actually really helpful.

Anyway I think that's it, I'm ready to try again tomorrow now!
R-Jay

oooh first blog!

First blog! Exciting? Perhaps, if you set aside the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I have basically ended up here after following across from another site to pursue an amazing story which I love, unfortunately it couldn't be posted on the old site anymore due to rules etc...so here we are!
Not sure exactly what I want to get out of this as yet, probably just a place to vent, but maybe make some friends along the way- if everyone isn't scared away by my insanity!

What shall I randomly talk about for this first post? Ah yes, the vow of silence.
I am going on a vow of silence from tomorrow, luckily only a verbal one, so I can still communicate via the internet or handwriting- I just can't speak. Maybe it sounds easy enough...but then, I talk a lot. And I mean a lot. I will no doubt be venting here a lot as I usually get to express every single thing I'm feeling at about a hundred words a minute all day long...filters are for coffee and cigarettes- my mind has none!
Anyway, I'm off to subject the world to a last dose of meaningless chatter before bed and then silence from the morning!

R-Jay :)