My demon

Eventually the soft morning light begins to infiltrate my hiding place, signalling that it’s time to face the world for another day as it slants in across my open books. I slump back against the booth, staring up at the ceiling where dust motes can be seen whirling and dancing against the new light. It’s miraculous to me that something can be ever present and yet one can only see and appreciate it when the position is exactly right to capture its beauty, sometimes people are like that too. Back inside the bubble that is my Honda, I’m on the road home; hopefully I’ll be back before anyone’s even up. I feel okay, and that’s all I want. I feel like I can survive today, so as I steal back into the house and up to my room I don’t think about how I could hurt myself, as the water washes over me in the shower, I don’t feel the need to find a blade, and not even the slight sting of my wounded leg reacting to the hot water can change that.

An hour later I change my mind, my mother has lectured me already and I’m halfway into an awkward class next to someone I used to think I could talk to about anything. I’d give anything to be out of there, give anything to be back in the shower and have my chance all over again. Dimly I register that it’s lucky I’m at school and can do nothing about this, but still the demon inside of me rages, not even fighting to be heard over the babble of my class and drone of the teacher- it eclipses them all. Telling me to escape it all, but there’s nothing I can do, nowhere to run right now. I just have to sit here and hate myself.