Freeze

By the time I retrace my steps through the graveyard and out between the old gates the sun is low in the sky, as I leave with a lighter heart and a pattern of grass imprinted upon my cheek. I enclose myself within the bubble car, reaching to turn on the music for the first time today, my Fine Young Cannibals CD finished the next one cues on- a dodgy mix Ally made me for my birthday last year. The opening of ‘Smack That’ fills my car, and before I know it I’m smiling, imagining us dancing around to this song on a dozen different occasions- each sillier than the last. This CD was titled ‘Top 20 dodgiest songs that are still super addictive’ and the girl had a point...this song is terrible...and yet, strangely compelling, it’s always a party hit. Maybe that’s the only time anyone can safely admit they like it. Whatever the case, I bounce home within the little car; my mind is still humming with the song as I step through the front door- only to be stopped in my tracks.

I freeze. Every trace of the warmth I’ve cultivated this afternoon vanishing as instantaneously as if a snowy drift had suddenly blown across the landscape of my life. My eyes are fixed on the one focal point. Seeing nothing but the colours. Oh the colours, my mother is framed by the light spilling from the kitchen behind her, and in her hands is my jar. In this instant I feel as if she is holding my soul or at the very least my future, my plan b.

“Care to explain this, Rose?” Her voice is hard; I almost don’t hear the tremor as her voice wavers over my name.  I gaze up at her; rooted to the spot when I so desperately want to run, I am but a hare trapped in the headlights that is her powerful gaze. “Wh-where did you get that?” is all I can manage to stammer out, it may be ludicrous but this is all my mind can focus on. Who or what has brought my world crashing down, my facade unravelling before my very eyes. “The cleaner found it today, she thought it would be nice to dust out that chest at the bottom of your bed since it never gets cleaned at all...naturally she called me the moment she unearthed this...what were you thinking Rose? What are you thinking?!” “I just...I just needed to know....be sure....just...in case...you know...I...wanted...I wasn’t trying to hurt you...” I realise I’m making no sense and trail off; leaving the way clear for the lecture I know is coming.