Once more...and I'll love you (for now)

My legs start to tremble; I can feel the blood retreating from my extremities, leaving me cold and pale. I slowly tip over, unable to unlock my muscles even to save myself, the floor rushes towards me as I sag down onto it. Tears building behind my eyes, I try to blink the thin film away, will it away. I don’t cry. And yet, I can feel the tears quivering in my eyes, ready to fall, I roll over and wobble unsteadily to my feet...heading for the bathroom. As I step onto the cool white tiles I swing the door shut behind me, sealing myself in this glaringly white chamber, I walk to the sink and grip its edges staring into my reflection in the mirror above. Void eyes, wild and full of moisture, mouth pressed in a thin line, edges wavering with the attempt to force the emotion down. This kind of...uncontrollability isn’t practical.

I raise my hand until it’s almost touching the glass, and then direct it back towards me, all but two fingers pointed down. I bury them towards the back of my throat, feeling the spongy tissue as I force them further to reach the spot at which I hear the click at the back of my throat- and have to pull my fingers out as quickly as possible. Better, I feel more controlled already. Hearing the voices whisper soothingly...nearly enough, that’s nearly enough, I’ll love you if you can do it again. One more and you’ll be worth something.  I retch until the tears come to my eyes...but these aren’t weak tears, shed unwillingly out of frustration and upset at an immovable situation...no, these are practiced tears, tears that were entirely anticipated.

I sink down onto the cool tiles, resting my head against the bath, watching the tears drip down onto the school skirt I’m still wearing though it feels as if I’ve barely been there today.  I can feel myself breaking apart...the shreds of control I've managed to grasp at floating away from me. I stumble back to my feet, unable to sit still, unable to think...I know what I need...but my jar is gone. Mind racing into overdrive, searching for the solution, I begin to pace in an absent minded way.