Home "sweet" home

The key turns easily in our heavy door's lock, welcoming me home, as always I cross the carpet pausing only to drop my school bag onto the old leather armchair on my way to the table where my laptop awaits. Computer on, itunes open, facebook open and msn signed in...I'll be set for quite a while. My msn screenname flashes up at me, Eros with my personal message scrawled below if they give you lined paper, write the other way. I can't connect to the girl who wrote these, she seems a distant stranger. I felt so smart when I settled on Eros for my screenname, an anagram of my own name which means love in greek, on a more subtle level I felt it expressed my contempt for stereotypical gender bias as Eros was a son of greek mythology. As for my personal message, I felt it marked me as literary...I have no idea why this seemed important. At any rate, I haven't changed them for so long it would seem strange to. Unsettling somehow.
Flicking over to my facebook page, hers is the first face to catch my eye- as it always is. It's only been 6 months and no one can bear to shut down this last fragile connection with Ally. I surrender willingly to the memories, letting them wash over me for as long as I can bear...I see her face watching me like she's right there, I relive her last week, strained in the hospital with rare moments of laughter interspersed, I could still laugh when she was with me.
"Rose!" Oh no, mums home, and I'm not studying. Again. Let the games begin.

RJx

Nano

I try to force my mind out of the past as I answer his question, I had always loved biology, but lately it's so hard to be interested in anything...learning just isn't coming as naturally as it normally does. I used to crave knowledge like it was my air to breathe, I would read everything I could get my hands on, even do extra reading on a biology topic, just because I couldn't bear my teachers answering a question with "Don't worry, you don't need to know that for this exam." But lately, my drive was gone, I could practically feel my whole future slipping away one class and one grade at a time. People say it's only to be expected..."She's lost someone very important to her..." "Rose just needs time to grieve" "Study's just a low priority at the moment...she needs to work through this first". When they spoke like that I just wanted to yell at them all, reveal the truth, that my amazing best friend had managed to look out for me, even unwittingly, as she left this world...and set me up with the perfect excuse for why my grades had dropped from some of the highest in the year to desperately close to failing out. No one seemed to notice that I hadn't been concentrating or studying long before I lost her...I almost think my parents didn't want to see that.

The school bell tolls through the classroom...snapping me out of my self reflection which I'd been spending far to much time on recently. Gathering my books into a hasty pile I stepped out onto the covered walkway that would take me around the science labs and to my locker, waving hello to people as I wandered around- no one seemed to want to stop and talk anymore. I guess they didn't know what to say, I'd done it before, avoided someone who'd lost a parent or friend simply so you didn't have to face the conversational awkwardness. Now I was the social leper...and feeling more and more like a human tumbleweed as I blew past people, mumbling hello or offering a practised smile before being swept along towards the front of the school and the bus that would deliver me home- whether I wanted to go there or not.

Hope this isn't too terrible- let me know if you have any thoughts Et, I'm going to  need all the feedback I can get!  
Love always, RJxo

NaNoWriMo?

I could feel it inside my pocket...the hard edge pressed into the side of my thumb through the thin material of the regulation school skirt. I just needed to know that it was there, it didn't matter that I was sitting in the middle of Biology, listening to an explanation of natural selection and with a friend beside me, I still needed to know that the small blade was there. It changed everything.
"So, what are the four requirements for natural selection? Rose?" my teacher's voice jolted me back to the present, lucky I could do biology in my sleep or I'd get in trouble with a far greater frequency.

NaNoWriMo this month...I'm very very behind I'm only just starting, figure I might as well try anyway. Although I don't really write so I don't see this going too well :P. Meh I just felt like playing around with something.
Feeling ok today, just tired, post later if I keep working on this.
RJxo

Parachute

I wanna take you with me
to life with no more yesterdays we can start again awake and so excited and change the way we always push
we always push

I'll open up and be your parachute
and I'll never let you down so open up and be my human angel and we'll only hit the ground
running

and when the world gets sharp and tries to cut you down to size
and makes you feel like giving in
oh, I will stay, I will rain, I will wash the words and pain away and I will chase away the way we push
the way we pull
you're beautiful

I didn't have the words today, A,B,D,J,F & Et ...I love you guys.
R-Jay xo
 I'll open up and be your parachute
and I'll never let you down so open up and be my human angel
and we'll only hit the ground
running

and if it feels like we might drop
it will stop
so don't look down
it wouldn't be the same without you
this life is too good to give up on
I'll open up and be your parachute and I'll never let you down so open up and be my human angel
and we'll only hit the ground
and we're gonna hit the ground
running

Grumpy day

So pissed at everything today.
1. Angry at my mum for trying to restrict our schoolies trip
2. Angry at a friend for wanting to drink on schoolies when no one else does
3. Angry at my best guy friend for bugging me
4. Angry at another friend because she's sick but she won't tell anyone but me
5. Angry at all the people who keep asking me about the above friend
6. Angry at my parents who won't leave me alone
7. Angry at my dad for even considering putting down my cat
8. Angry at my cat for peeing everywhere so that my dad gets mad
9. Angry at my best friend for thinking she understands everything, and telling a guy friend about it
10. Angry at the fact that my best friend actually gets nothing about my issues
11. Angry at the world in general really.

Ok, I know there's a lot of irrational anger there! I figured I'd just let myself list, I'm so grumpy today.
It's been such a crappy day. Ok lets face it I'm not mad about 4, that's all worry, I just wanted to keep with the theme haha.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. SQUEEE!
Cranky R-Jay out, xox

Discontent...

Ok my residual stress seems to have developed into something more, I feel horrible...I can't explain it. I can feel this huge .. ball...that's taking up most of my chest cavity, swelling up inside me and wrenching me around. What is this...usually I have to be really upset. I don't know what's happened. I'm confused right now sure. But this doesn't make sense.
Okay it's wierd for me to know exactly what's causing this...let's list every possibility.
A) I have to do an english speech on a controversial topic on Friday, I'm not sure how well written it is :S.
B) I accidentally kissed my best guy friend on Saturday night and am just kind of blocking it out.
C) I got triggered tonight even though I didn't mean to...but I thought it had passed.
D) I'm worried about my friend(s) - there's two who are worries at the moment.
E) I need to change one of my uni preferences, and my mum and best friend are confusing me.
Hmm the wierd thing is it doesn't feel like it's exactly coming from any of those things. I don't *think* BCD are issues right now at all...A&E maybe a little more.
Oh I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel horrid, how do I get rid of this in a safe way...
Lots of love,
RJ

Stress fueled day

Today was...the poster child for how much work I can get done when I wake up in the morning and there are two assignments due by 3pm! I wrote soooo much today. It was good, but I was fairly freaked all day, I should know better than to leave things til the last minute, but after all the fun of the weekend I had got nothing done. I was trying to calm myself down all day...reminded me of a movie 'I learnt that this heart scares easy...you gotta trick it....say all is well little pal, all is well.' Ok it was in hindi, but that's what it meant! So that was the motto of the day. All is well! All is well! Hang on...I'll link you, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsYZJUQGmiI&feature=related, 1:18-2.00 ish :) haha...and then there's the song, which I love as well. It's my ... calming thing at the moment. Don't know what to call it. But it makes me sad in the end because of them finding their friend dead :(, however in the soundtrack it's easy just to go with the awesomeness of it. Anyway, I'm very off track!
It was a long, stressful day, and I still have that kind of left over/ residual stress if that makes sense haha.
I also got really triggered accidentally before reading a story (Mi, are you safe?) I love it SOOOO much, but the last chapter was triggering for me. Don't worry, I was good. It was just unpleasant you know.
Anyways I'm off, more tomorrow when I've actually been at school.
All Izz Well!!!
RJxo