Echo

"I just, I just don't want to pretend okay!?" I have been propelled upright by my words- stronger than I feel- but now I slump back down onto the pillows, as the last of the strength that momentarily flashed through me out of anger drains away.
"Rose...I'm sorry, I truly did not mean to upset you" And for some reason, against my better judgement and potentially influenced by the morphine coursing through my veins, I believe him.
"I'm Dr. Hale...Chris Hale, you were referred to me by the intern who admitted you to the A&E last night."
My breath comes in shallow gasps, fighting to deny the unwavering truth I hear behind his words, this isn't how it's meant to be at all.
"Well? Rose? Is there anything you want to talk about particularly? How are you feeling?"
I hold myself still with the utmost care, breathing lightly and taking up the smallest square of room on the bed, intent on absorbing as little of this hospital as possible.
"I was wondering-"
"I hate this place." I hear myself admit, "when can I leave?" I ask, when all I really want to ask is when can I go home.
"But Rose..." his placating doctor tones roll over me, "you've barely been awake for five minutes".
"Doctor..."
"Hale"
"Yes, Dr. Hale, would it take you longer than five minutes in hell to realise you harboured no desire to be there?" I inject every ounce of scathing I can muster into the sentence, and yet  he chuckles softly in reply. A brief moment of mirth surfacing, he looks as surprised by his amusement as I am irritated. I wasn't aiming to be witty or funny.
"I'm afraid Rose, you have no choice."
You have no choice. Those four inconsequential words are all it takes to send me careering into a memory tailspin. I can almost hear her cracked whisper, see her hand resting lightly next to mine. It's near enough to this day a year ago that I sat in a room almost identical to this one with Ally, there was never any question that I would overcome my fear of hospitals to be with her- but since then my profound loathing for them has only grown. I had of course sat on the opposite side of the low rails on the narrow bed than where I'm curled up now, holding onto her limp and unresponsive hand- light brown against the glaring sanitary white of the hospital sheets. I had been immovable during those visiting hours, precious snatches of time I was allowed to spend with her as I watched her hand lie listlessly in my own I had begun to understand that it was only a matter of time before Ally left me for somewhere she belonged. If only I could release her. I would have stayed forever, but the reminder always came, dropping through the heavy air to rest around me.
"Rose, you have no choice." The psychologist's voice fades out of my awareness, a false echo of what once was.